


Of All That Breathe and Crawl

by EmilyScarlett



Category: The Iliad - Homer, The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Genre: Apologies, M/M, Mild Blood, Multi, Polyamory Negotiations, Reincarnation, V-Shaped Relationship, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2018-10-25
Packaged: 2019-08-07 09:43:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16406030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EmilyScarlett/pseuds/EmilyScarlett
Summary: Patroclus’ normal, if hectic, life as a doctor is interrupted when he remembers who he used to be. Worryingly Achilles is nowhere to be found and his current boyfriend is none other than the man who killed him.





	Of All That Breathe and Crawl

**Author's Note:**

> Because I ship Hector/Patroclus as well as Patrochilles. Also, I love Drama.

Coming home after four consecutive thirteen hour night shifts in the A&E, all Patroclus wanted to think about was crawling into bed. Unfortunately, he knew he had to wash at least some of the mountain of dirty clothes that had piled up and get himself something to eat before that. His feet dragging as he reached the door to his flat, it took him a few failed attempts to realise that the reason he couldn’t unlock his door was because it wasn’t, in fact, locked. He opened it slowly.

 

“Hello?” he called tentatively, hoping it was just his boyfriend and that he wasn’t about to be brutally murdered. His night had been bad enough already without that.

“Hey, it’s just me,” Hector called from the kitchen. Patroclus breathed a sigh of relief.

“Hey,” he replied, kicking his trainers off and making his way to the kitchen. “I didn’t know you were coming over today.”

“I guessed you would be behind on a few household things, given how much you’ve been working lately. I thought I’d come and give you a hand.” Hector pressed a quick kiss to Patroclus’ forehead before turning back to the pans simmering on the hobs.

 

“Wha-” He was interrupted by a yawn. “What’s this?” 

“Just pasta with green pesto. I thought something simple would be better.”

“Best boyfriend ever,” Patroclus mumbled sleepily.

“I know,” Hector joked. “Why don’t you go and shower while I finish this? I washed your towels earlier, don’t worry!” He hurried to add on when he saw Patroclus about to protest.

“The best,” Patroclus repeated, pressing a quick kiss to Hector’s cheek as he went to have a shower.

 

The food was ready and waiting once he’d left the shower. They shared a pleasant yet quiet meal together before Patroclus all but collapsed into bed. He heard a deep chuckle as Hector followed him, and his last thought was just how lucky he was to have such a caring, gentle boyfriend.

 

 

* * *

 

Patroclus woke with a cry on his lips. He clutched at his abdomen frantically. He felt no pain but he’d seen the spear go in. He was going to die and Achilles-

 

_ Achilles.  _ He needed to find Achilles. He needed to explain and apologise and tell him how much he loves him. He needed to make sure he’d go on living, and wouldn’t kill Hector.

 

_ Hector.  _ Hector was looming over him and reality snapped back into place. He was in bed. It had been a dream. Except it  _ hadn’t _ . Hector’s sorrow filled face spoke the truth plainly to Patroclus. He’d remembered as well. Patroclus saw Hector reach out for him and before he could realise his intent wasn’t to harm he’d already thrown himself backwards. He tumbled off the bed, catching his head on the bedside table. He was momentarily blinded by the pain. When he looked back up Hector had moved to the other side of the room, holding his hands up in the universal “I mean no harm” gesture. 

“You killed me,” Patroclus accused, his breath coming far too quickly. 

“Patroclus-”

“You killed me.” This was barely a whisper.

“I did not know you then,” Hector pressed, yet there were tears trickling down his face. Patroclus answered with a solitary bitter laugh.

“Patroclus, my love, please-”

“I said that to you then. Please. Do you remember that?”

Hector nodded silently.

“You did not listen.”

“And I hate myself for it. I would never harm you. I love-”

“Don’t!” cried Patroclus. “Don’t say it! Don’t! Achilles...” Here he broke down, everything pressing down on him at once. He wept. He felt arms come to hold him and he didn’t care who was comforting him anymore; he needed it.

 

He must have succumbed to exhaustion at some point because the next thing he knew he was waking up with a terrible headache, not quite sure for a moment why he had developed it. Then he remembered.

“Hector?” he croaked, recognising that he was alone in the bed.

“Here, love,” a deep, somber voice answered him. He blinked furiously in the direction that Hector’s voice had come from, his eyes still adjusting to the afternoon light. He found Hector sitting in the chair in the corner of the room.

“I didn’t think you would want to share the bed,” Hector offered as explanation.

 

Patroclus couldn’t think of a single thing to say. The tension in the room was oppressive. He had to leave.

“I need to…” He made a vague gesture towards the bathroom.

“Of course. I’ll make us something to eat? If you’ll allow it, I’d like for us to talk before- before you decide what to do?”

Wordless, Patroclus made himself nod before fleeing to the bathroom.

 

Once the door was locked behind him he slid to the floor, allowing his knees to give out from underneath him. He was currently dating the man who had killed him, who had then, in turn, been killed by the love of his life. He let out a hollow, humourless laugh. After all he had endured at the hands of fate before, now this? He loved Hector yet at the same time, when he looked at him he saw the imposing figure of his killer, covered in his blood. Then there was the question of Achilles. Patroclus refused to believe that if he and Hector were here, he wasn’t too. But how would Patroclus ever find him? And what would he do if he did?

 

It was too much. Almost before he’d thought about it he was pulling on yesterday's clothes out of the washing basket. He needed to get out of here for a while. He needed to think. He rushed out of the door, aware that Hector would hear him leave. He could only hope that he wouldn’t follow.

  
  


* * *

 

Achilles was doing his best not to let frustration get the better of him, but patience had never been a virtue he possessed. He had felt the urge driving him this morning since he had woken up.  _ Find him _ . Patroclus was here somewhere, the voice he recognised as Thetis’ had assured him, sounding in his head after he had woke panicked and desperate this morning. He just had to find him. But it was taking much longer than he would have liked.

 

Luckily, he had the resources to at least have his own company’s database searched and see if they had Patroclus’ address. The perks of being the owner and CEO of a major tech corporation. He simply had to pray that Patroclus was part of his customer base. He ought to be. His was the best tech out there.

 

“Sir?” His musing was interrupted by his assistant, Anissa.

“Yes?”

“I have the data for the customer you had me enquire about.”

“Give me it.” Anissa handed it over. She turned and left the room swiftly. He belatedly realised that his behaviour then had been rude to her. He would have to apologise. Later. Now he had more important things to do.

 

In his haste to open the file he’d been handed he almost tore the cover off. As he read the information his breath caught. Underneath the expected address there was a phone number. Of course there was. Patroclus had a phone made by his company. His entire body itched with the possibility of speaking to his love now. He had so much to say. So much to apologise for. But no, that really should be done in person. Patroclus deserved that, and so much more. He hurried to his office door and leaned his head out. 

“Anissa will you have my car brought to the door, please? And I’m sorry for how I spoke to you earlier. I was preoccupied but that’s not an excuse.” It seemed today would be a day for apologies. Anissa smiled at him.

“I suppose I can forgive you. I’ll have your car brought around, sir.”

“Thank you.”

 

The trip to Patroclus’ address couldn’t have taken more than five minutes, but with the yearning clutching at his heart it felt like eternity. He was out of the car and rushing into the building almost before the vehicle had stopped. He was certain that he was provoking some strange looks from the people he passed but he hardly cared right now. It wasn’t until Patroclus’ door loomed in front of him that he paused. Despite having faced down renowned warriors, armies, gods even, the trial that faced him beyond that door terrified him. With everything that had happened in the days before their deaths he wouldn’t blame Patroclus for wanting nothing to do with him. Yet the thought of being without him now left him breathless with panic. Surely,  _ surely _ , Patroclus would at least hear him out, for the sake of what they had been to each other. Surely he would listen long enough for Achilles to renounce his actions, to impress upon him how sorry he was, to  _ beg  _ if necessary. An excess of pride had been his sin. Well he had none of that now. Not when it came to this.

 

Whatever ordeal awaited him, he judged himself deserving of it. That resolution reached he tried the door handle. It didn’t occur to him in his haste that he really ought to knock. That Patroclus’ space was no longer his as well. The sight that greeted him upon entering the modest apartment was so unexpected that it shocked him into stillness for a moment. Achilles, when faced with the man who had taken Patroclus from him could only utter one word, infused with so much rage and hatred that the sound of it sliced through the air.

 

“ _ You. _ ”

  
  


* * *

 

It was close to evening before Patroclus began to head home. He spent the day wandering around the city, trying to make sense of his thoughts and emotions. On that account, he’d failed. He was no closer to knowing what he should do or feel than he had been when he’d woken up. What he had accomplished was calming himself somewhat. He was ready to talk to Hector now, even if he didn’t know what was going to come out of his mouth when he did; anger or reassurance.

 

He felt a sick sense of  déjà vu as he approached his door to find it fully flung open this time. Then he registered the thuds and dull grunts of pain coming from inside. He rushed inside to find Hector in a fistfight with someone. Someone that Patroclus recognised as Achilles as he watched that fleet form dodge what would have been a devastating hit from Hector, had it landed. The fact that Achilles was here, somehow, seemed so improbable for a moment that Patroclus could do nothing but stare at the scene unfolding before him. That lasted until, impossibly, Achilles pinned Hector to the ground beneath him and began hitting him repeatedly and viciously in the face. Patroclus rushed forwards, horrified.

 

“Stop!” he cried, but Achilles paid him no mind.

“Achilles! Stop!” This time Achilles’ arm faltered mid-motion and he turned to look at Patroclus. His eyes as he gazed up at him were filled with emotion that almost defied description. Some fevered mix of awe, adoration, and desperation.

“Patroclus,” he breathed reverently. Patroclus knelt down next to him, and gently took hold of his blood-smeared hand, still dangling in mid-air, prepared to strike.

“Stop Achilles, please,” he whispered back, his eyes beseeching.

“He hurt you. He  _ killed  _ you.”

“I know, but please, for me?”

 

Achilles stared at him a few seconds longer without moving before nodding. He lowered his arm and moved from straddling over Hector- who sat up- to kneel opposite Patroclus. His hands came up slowly to cradle Patroclus’ face, and he leaned forward to gently press their foreheads together.

“Did I not promise that I would do anything you ask?” Achilles murmured, his voice choked.

“Anything but one thing.”

“That was my mistake. I swear it to you now, anything you ask of me will be done.” Patroclus felt like grief was clogging his heart, making it difficult for him to speak.

“Achilles-”

“Please!” Achilles cut in, his eyes wide, desperation seeping into his voice and bearing. “Let us talk. Let’s go somewhere private and talk. There is so much to say, please don’t send me away before I’ve had a chance to prove to you how sorry I am.”

“We’ll talk,” Patroclus replied gently, standing up and pulling Achilles with him. “I promise.”

“ _ Thank you, _ ” Achilles rasped.

 

At this moment Hector decided to speak.

“Patroclus-” he began.

“Don’t you  _ dare _ !” Achilles spat, whirling to face Hector and towering over him. “Don’t you dare speak to him as though you have any right to! The only reason you are still alive is because Patroclus wishes it. If he changes his mind I would kill you in an instant and enjoy every second of it.”

“Achilles!” Patroclus admonished. “Who I listen to is my decision, not yours.”

“Of course, philtatos. I just didn’t want you to have to listen to whatever vitriol your murderer might have to say to you.”

 

Christ, how was he going to tell Achilles that he and Hector were dating.  _ Were _ they even still dating after everything he’d just remembered? Surely he should be with Achilles? Yet Achilles had hurt him too. He was so confused and all he wanted was to crawl back into bed and have chance to think.

 

He could have that at least.

 

“I need you both to leave,” he decided.

“No!” they both cried, and it was hard to say which of them looked more desperate.

“Just for tonight. I need to be alone. I need to think. I’ll contact you tomorrow. You can’t even give me that?” he added when it looked like they were still about to protest.

 

Hector was the first to give in. He threw Patroclus one last anguished look and then left, closing the door behind him.

“Achilles, go,” Patroclus repeated.

“Let me stay,” Achilles urged. “I won’t bother you, I promise. I’ll stay out here. Let me stay to guard you in case he comes back. Please.”

“Hector wasn’t here to hurt me.”

“Why else would he have been here?”

 

Patroclus was far too tired to explain that, and he knew Achilles was so stubborn that he wouldn’t leave without trying at least one more argument. 

“Fine,” Patroclus conceded. “But you stay out here. I need to be alone.”

“Thank you, philtatos. Truly.”

 

Patroclus gave him a half-smile before retiring. The last thing he heard before he fell asleep was Achilles settling himself on the other side of his bedroom door.

 

* * *

 

The night that Achilles passed was restless to say the least. He rehearsed in his mind a thousand times over what he would say to Patroclus when he woke. By the time he heard Patroclus moving around in his room he was sick with nerves. He stood the moment Patroclus opened his door, and if his actions were reminiscent of an eager puppy, he couldn’t feel any shame about it.

 

“Good morning,” Achilles greeted, his voice sounding all too breathless for a casual salutation.

“Good morning,” Patroclus replied. A tense silence fell. Patroclus was the one to break it. “Coffee?”

 

“I’m sorry!” Achilles burst out, unable to go any longer without saying it. “My love, I cannot tell you how sorry I am. My actions were unjustifiable and you were right to object to them. I was cruel and selfish-”

“Achilles-” Patroclus began, seeming anguished, which only increased Achilles’ panic. He needed to make Patroclus see how contrite he was.

“Please,” he begged. “Let me say everything first. You need to know.” Patroclus nodded.

“I hurt you for the sake of something so meaningless as fame, and I despise myself for it. I caused your death, and there is no anguish that could begin to compare to the agony of being without you and knowing that I was the cause. I know I don’t deserve to ask anything of you, but I would do anything to avoid facing the pain of your loss again.” Here, he sank down so that he was kneeling, with a wide-eyed Patroclus towering over him, seemingly struck mute. He had to show Patroclus his sincerity, his  _ humility  _ in the face of what he had done. “Please let me stay in your life. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, or your love, but please let me try to earn them both back.”

 

For a long moment the only sound was the pounding of Achilles’ pulse in his ears as he stared up at Patroclus. 

 

“I never stopped loving you. That made it hurt more.” 

“I’m sorry.” Achilles looked down, ashamed.

“You should stand up. I need to tell you…”

“Yes?” Achilles asked, standing. 

“I’m seeing someone.”

 

Achilles felt as though all the air had vanished from the room. Patroclus was with someone else. Of course he was. How could he have thought that Patroclus would be single? He was more miracle than man. Of course he had a lover.

 

“I see.” His voice came out tight and choked and now Patroclus looked distressed. That was unacceptable. He couldn’t allow himself to make Patroclus feel bad just because his heart was breaking. “Of course. I hope he knows how lucky he is to have you. You deserve someone who is utterly devoted to you.”

“Achilles-” Patroclus sounded close to tears and that couldn’t be allowed.

 

“I won’t complicate things for you. But we can still be close can’t we? Please don’t say we can’t.”

“Things are already complicated. I’m with Hector.”

“Hector!” Achilles felt like his brain was working too slowly. 

“I didn’t remember before and we’ve been together for months. But now I do, and you’re here, and he killed me, and I don’t know what to. Achilles, he’s a good person, he truly is. He’s gentle, and kind to me. I love him as I love you. I’m not saying this to hurt you. I need you to know that he isn’t like you think he is.”

Patroclus ceased speaking and stared at him anxiously, his body tense as though ready to flee. Or fight.

“You think I’m angry with you?” Achilles realised.

“You’re not?”

“Never. I couldn’t be. Besides, there’s nothing to be angry about.”

 

They drowned in silence again.

“I need to talk to Hector,” Patroclus muttered.

“Of course” Achilles managed to choke out. “I’ll leave you in peace.” He began to head to the door when Patroclus called after him.

“Wait! I should give you my phone number, before you leave.”

“I already have it.”

“How?”

“I own Styx Incorporated,” Achilles admitted. “You have one of our phones. All of your contact information is in our database.”

“That’s how you knew where I lived?”

“Yes, I’m sorry. It’s unethical, I know, but I needed to find you-”

“Achilles, I don’t mind,” Patroclus interrupted.

“Oh. Good. I’ll text you so you have my number?” His hesitant tone had made the statement a question.

“Yes. Achilles, I’m not sending you away for good.”

“I know,” he replied, even while internally he felt a rush of relief. “Goodbye, Patroclus.”

“Goodbye.”

 

Leaving was a feat he accomplished only with the knowledge that Patroclus would contact him when he was ready. He had promised to.

 

* * *

 

Patroclus sat staring for a good twenty minutes after Achilles left. Disquiet buzzed around his mind, leaving him lost in a maelstrom of potentials and possibilities. Finally he shook himself and texted Hector.

 

**_Patroclus (06:38):_ ** _ Will you come over? _

**_Hector (06:38):_ ** _ Of course. I’ll be right there. _

**_Hector (06:39):_ ** _ Is he there? _

**_Patroclus (06:40):_ ** _ No. _

 

That done he made himself some coffee while he waited for Hector to arrive. He would need it today.

 

Hector arrived so quickly that there was no doubt that he had run the whole way. He paused before Patroclus abruptly; uncertain. Patroclus took pity on him.

“Aren’t you going to sit down?” Hector sat down absently. He hadn’t taken his eyes off Patroclus.

“How have you been?” he asked in a rush. “Are you alright?”

Patroclus laughed. Even to himself it rang hollow.

“I’ve been better.” Hector winced.

“Of course. There isn’t anything I can say to make this better. I understand that. But please know that I would never hurt you, not now that I know you. All I knew then was that you were a Greek, one who pretended to be Achilles and almost lost us the war. Nevertheless, I’m so, so sorry that I hurt you- no-  _ killed  _ you. I don’t ask for you for forgiveness, only that you know that I love you, and I’m sorry.”

 

Patroclus took a deep breath as he thought about his response to that.

“I’m not angry,” he began. “I’m really not. I understand. We didn’t know each other then and you- you were a soldier.”

“I don’t deserve-”

“I forgive you. I love you and I don’t want to be angry about the past forever.”

“ _ Thank you _ . Does this mean- are we… still together?”

 

Patroclus looked down, unable to meet Hector’s hope-filled eyes anymore.

“I love you,” he spoke, staring at his own interlocked hands. “I do. Please don’t doubt that. But now there’s…”

“Achilles,” Hector finished grimly. “Even in Troy we knew what the two of you meant to each other.”

“Yes. And now, how can I choose between two people I love so much? It’s not fair that after everything, no matter what I choose we all will be unhappy in someway.”

Hector stayed silent for a moment, staring at the floor as though it could provide an answer to all their problems. Then he took a breath, seemingly steeling himself for what he was about to say.

“It… is possible that there’s a simple solution here. That you needn’t choose at all.”

“What?” Patroclus asked, thoroughly taken aback.

“There may be a solution. May I ask one thing of you?”

“Of course,” Patroclus replied, mystified.

“Don’t decide yet? Please? Give me a day. I can’t tell you why, but please trust that it’s to help you.”

 

A day wasn’t so much to ask, Patroclus mused. Especially when he had no idea what to decide anyway.

“I can give you a day,” he answered with a small smile. “For whatever mysterious reason.” Hector’s relieved smile tore at his heart. He hated that Hector was so uncertain of their relationship right now.

 

* * *

  
  


Achilles spent the majority of the next day pacing around his office. All he’d heard from Patroclus was a confirmation text that he now had Achilles’ number. Nothing else. 

 

His office phone rang the specific chirp that meant Anissa was calling him. He jabbed the answer button.

“Hello?”

“There’s someone here to see you, sir.”

“I don’t have any meetings scheduled today.”

“I know, sir. But he’s very insistent that you’ll want to speak with him. He said his name is Hector.”

What the hell did Hector want to talk to him for?

“Send him in.”

 

In the pause before Hector was shown in, he stood himself in the open space between the door and his desk. He didn’t think Hector was going to attack him, but he wanted to be prepared in case he did.

 

Hector was shown in by Annisa and neither of them said anything while she left the room. The stillness had the feeling of a standoff; one that Achilles’ intended to walk away the victor from.

“Let me be clear,” he began, his voice low and menacing. “The only reason I am allowing you to stand there unharmed is because you mean something to Patroclus.”

“Likewise,” Hector spat. “The only reason that I’m here is for his sake. He’s unhappy, and we need to fix it.”

“Perhaps it’s because he was  _ murdered _ .”

“Hate me for that all you like, I accept it, but it doesn’t change the fact that Patroclus is unhappy because of us. He doesn’t wish to choose and he shouldn’t have to. We’ve both hurt him terribly and the least we can do is make sure he doesn’t suffer anymore.”

“If you’re asking me to step down, I won’t.”

“Of course not. I’m saying he doesn’t want to choose, so let’s not make him. Let him have us both, however he wants us.”

“I don’t want to share him. Not with  _ you _ .”

“You’d rather make him unhappy?”

“No, never.” 

“Well then.”

 

Achilles didn’t know what to do. Patroclus’ happiness meant everything to him, but every fiber of his being hated Hector for what he had done.

“You assume that we can tolerate each other enough that this would make Patroclus happier.”

“As far as I can see, we hardly need see each other. It could work.”

 

It could. And, Achilles considered, did he really have the right to refuse this if it would make Patroclus happier? He’d already hurt him enough.

 

“Fine. I agree if Patroclus does.”

“We’ll talk to him about it tonight?”

“Yes. Now leave.”

 

* * *

 

Patroclus was more than a little shocked when he answered the door and found both Achilles and Hector staring at him. 

 

“I don’t know whether to be worried or impressed that you aren’t trying to kill each other.”

“Our animosity upsets you. That’s reason enough to put it aside,” Hector assured.

Patroclus felt as though he were choking on his emotions at that. He swallowed past the thickness in his throat so he could speak.

“I assume you’re both here for a reason?”

“We talked,” Achilles began. “This choice is causing you distress and neither of us can bear that.”

“And what?” Patroclus asked nervously. Were they both going to refuse to be with him? How else could they spare him the choice?

“And we have a solution,” Achilles continued. “If you’re okay with it you could… be with both of us.”

 

Patroclus was struck dumb. He stared between Achilles and Hector, both of their faces reflecting the same hope with a flash of desperation.

“You mean like, polyamorously?”

“Yes.”

“But you hate each other!” he protested.

“We needn’t see each other all that often,” Hector interjected. “And when we do we can be civil for your sake.”

“But this isn’t fair on either of you!”

“We both want it,” Achilles assured him, grasping his hand tenderly. “It’s better than the possibility of not having you at all. Please, philtatos.”

What could Patroclus do but say yes?

 

He nodded meekly, still a little dazed. Achilles grinned beatifically. He tugged lightly on Patroclus’ hand, drawing him in for a gentle, reverent kiss.

 

As he pulled away he caught Hector’s eye over Achilles’ shoulder. Hector gave him a small smile that held a hint of sadness.

“Thank you,” Hector murmured, taking one of Patroclus’ hand from Achilles and pressing a kiss to the back of it.

 

Patroclus was under no illusion that maintaining this setup was going to be easy, but still he couldn’t help but feel a spark of hope inside him. This could work.

**Author's Note:**

> Not too terrible hopefully?


End file.
